You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
