woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
