I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
