I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
