Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
