So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
