she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
