Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
