I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
