Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
