I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
