Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
