Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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