Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So many bounce houses so little time
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
