I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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