i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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