Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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