i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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