Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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