I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
