I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
