If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
