I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
