if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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