Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
