3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
