I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
