I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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