The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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