I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My pussy is not your playground.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize