Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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