I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize