does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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