I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
