I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
