I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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