You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
