I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
