My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
now i know why i became what i already was.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
