I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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