You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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