My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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