and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
