Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
