I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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