you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
