dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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