I am puke
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
