they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
