Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
