I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I want to be your penis for a week.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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