i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
