if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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