Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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