after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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