I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Shame - the story of my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
