Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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