dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
