Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
