her vagine was all disorganized.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize